“She Needs…In This Cup.” #ConfuseMe?

FinleyembarrassedAs you can imagine, things are pretty hectic at the Jones household these days. For example, I’ve been feeding, burping, and changing dipes since a little before 10PM. It’s now 1:56AM, and I think everyone is in a comfy position for a few hours so I have a few minutes to type a blog post.

The other day Finley was due for her “4-year old shots.” As many of you know, this is a dreaded trip, especially for a first time dad. That said, I tried to be smart about it and thought I was cleverly prepared. I had candy in my pocket and a small pink hand towel ready to sop up all the tears (and protect my white shirt). As the appointment moved forward, Finley and I were smooth sailing. She passed her ear and eye test with no problem. The nurse pricked her finger, which we got through without much drama. Then my world changed a little bit.

Here’s the stage: while Finley was softly crying, the nurse handed me a cup with a wet wipe package inside. She said, “OK, we need her to tinkle in this cup.” Umm… “Wut?” More accurately, and in the immortal words of Jack McFarland from Will & Grace, “Uh. Confuse me?” (Hand gestures not included)

The first thing that blew through my mind was, “How does one perform this?” I mean after all, how does a 40-year-old man collect pee pee from his 4-year old girl? I asked the nurse, “How do I do this… just try my best?” She answered, “Yes, just do what you have to do.” Um, okaaay…

So there I was with my little girl in the bathroom and her telling me over and over again that she didn’t have to ‘go.’ That was problem #1. Problem #2 was figuring out how I was going to perform this task. Do I sit her on the back of the toilet seat, and ‘collect’ from the ‘front’? Do I sit her on the front, and collect from the ‘back’? Do I break all rules and do this with her standing on the floor? Should I sit her in the sink? I was totally lost.  While I can generally figure things out, if I sat her one way, which direction should I place this freegin’ cup?  I mean, does the stream flow forward, backwards, or straight down?  No damn clue…

After a few minutes of panic, I decided on the “sit on the front of the seat – lean forward” method. Gritting my teeth and squinching my face, I hovered the cup behind/under her the best I could. Remembering that she didn’t have to ‘go,’ I was hesitant to say “puuuush, Babe!,” for fear she’d bust a giant poop on my arm.

After a little time passed, something good happened. For a few fleeting seconds she did what she was supposed to do, and I adjusted the cup as fast as I could as to collect the assignment. Was half of my right hand in the toilet water? Yes. Was the cup placed in the correct place? No. I guessed incorrectly.  Did Finley pee on my hand? All over it. Was this an awful experience? A little bit. For good or bad, was this an experience I’ll never forget? You got it.

After our appointment I returned to Coldwell Banker and explained my embarrassing drama to the Team. While we all laughed at my expense, I was quickly tutored with better collection methods. That said, Finley and I did the best we could and while it may have been a little awkward, we did the job we were asked to do. Further still, we’re a closer daddy/daughter team because of it, and in the big picture that’s what we’re all about.



  1. Dad to Two Girls says

    I know that feel bro.

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